Today I ran to the end of the world. Well just about. We have this forest service road called Woody Mountain. It is a popular spot for long runs. For camping, for off roading. At the end of this road, about 25 miles from the start, you find an opening. A breathtaking panoramic view of the red rocks of Sedona. Views like this aren’t easy to find. You have to work for them. You have to press on. And be in it for the long run.
In the early morning I enjoyed a fresh cup of coffee in my backyard, waiting my turn to go run. Ben woke up early to knock out his run so they could follow me along mine. When I left my house the temps were already heating up. The sky was clear and so was my mind. So I thought. I had 20 miles on the schedule. And last week I got a little taste of fitness so I welcomed this 20 miles on my schedule. You see I still have big goals and dreams. And although the timeline to achieve them has been altered, the fire in me is very much alive and burning brightly.
I’ll admit it though. There are moments I wonder “is it all worth it.” Is the pursuit of self excellence worth all the motivational tricks, and the pushing when no one is telling you to run harder. The time in the gym to do prehab and rehab. Proving the doubters wrong. Walking the line of fatigue and trying to stay ahead of the curve. Am I pursuing a worthy cause, amidst the need for my attention and energy in other areas of my life? Worthy is only something you believe it to be. So yes, this pursuit is worthy of my time and attention and effort.
And so these thoughts powered me through miles 4-12 of the long run. Because I needed some powering today. My legs were heavy, and didn’t respond each time I tried to press. Life’s not always gonna respond when we press. We press ourselves into launching a new business and sometimes it grows slowly. Painfully slow. We press ourselves to recover in the post partum years only to be sidelined with a jammed up hip, and sleep deprivation, and the constant comparison of our pre baby selves. We press ourselves going after PRs and sometimes it takes 7 years to see the fruits of our labor. Still we press on.
I’m in my 15th mile now. Ben and the boys just gave me fluids. I’m rejuvenated. I only have 5 miles left. But the dust from zooming cars is blowing in my face, and the undulating road is relentless and taking it’s toll on my legs. There’s no prescribed workout. No finish line medal. But there is an opportunity to press. To test myself. To see if I respond.
I think about my mom. Who I haven’t seen for 5 weeks. Who has late stage metastatic breast cancer. And I think about her double mastectomy and when I changed her dressings after surgery. I think about how she presses on, against all odds. Her positivity and healing efforts have gotten her this far. I wanna tear up a little but I’m in the middle of my gosh damn long run, so “keep your shit together Stephanie. “
I run my 19th mile in 5:56. It’s downhill but it still requires effort. And I remind myself: EFFORT.
This last week, my effort was high, but no results were yielded. I lost patience with my kids, I gave up trying to properly homeschool. But Ben suggested we keep them active, we try new things. And they seemed content and dare I say happy. At least happier than they had been. As for me I had the best hill session in my training to date. But I can’t translate it to anything tangible. Yet I know the next opportunity I have to race, I will remember I’ve been practicing pressing. So when I’m 17 miles into my next New York City Marathon I’ll press and maybe my body responds. When I hit 800m to go in the Olympic Trials 10,000 I’ll draw my mind back to the hill session where I pressed, when nothing was on the line.
I hit my 20th mile with a nasty last half mile uphill climb. My boys are waiting. We drive to the end of the road, the “end of the world.” Ben has prepared a picnic for the boys, packed my NormaTec boots and a lounge chair. After working for 2 hours, 18 mins the view is everything. It’s not just a backdrop of the Sedona Red Rocks. It’s of my family. And it’s perfection.
I used to think you couldn’t have both. You couldn’t hold space for two truths. Your passion/job and your family. When I became a mom a little part of my confidence faded away. I wondered if I could still set bold goals and have the guts to chase them. Most of the time I’m still figuring out how to balance time, guilt, and space. My life isn’t the same as some other pros and sometimes I feel out of place. But I do know for 2-3 hours of everyday I allow myself to feel like a badass training. Like I’m unstoppable. Like I’ll throw down in the moments I need to. And as I think about the coming days, and months of what I’m trying to achieve, I remind myself, you have to channel that badassery and keep pressing because eventually you’ll respond.
Dream Big
Steph Bruce