We all strive to maintain a certain perception about ourselves. Some hold it close to their chest never wanting to reveal their true self. Others, like me pour it out there. I believe connection and being relatable is what humans crave. I’m no stranger to vulnerability and I typically share my truths, because I don’t know any other way. But what if that perception you want to portray doesn’t align with how you are feeling. You want to show up for people, be brave and confident, and appear to have your shit together. But you’re tired of showing up for people because you checked out on yourself?
That’s what happened to me 2 weeks ago. I was so concerned with how everyone else might be dealing with hardships, lack of resources, loss of motivation, loss of purpose that I believed I could provide some relief, in my own authentic way. So I hosted IG lives. EVERY NIGHT. I brought on some guests and let viewers join me to ask a question. I looked forward to 5 pm each day, where I’d pour a glass of white wine and talk with people. Because I could. Because I had the time. Because I had the energy. You see I tried to reinvent the wheel in the last few weeks. If races weren’t happening, and I couldn’t do my job in the traditional sense, compete, I’d find other ways to be useful as an athlete. Share my strength routines and youtube videos. Tell you how I stay motivated because I get to run for a living and that’s badass. And the truth is I genuinely loved doing it. I was full of motivation, and inspirational quotes, and ideas. I could still train, even though solo without my teammates, I was building fitness and momentum. But my kids were home, full time. And when I’m 100% training during the year in a season, my kids are at school and preschool. So I thought I could do everything. I could run 90-100 mile weeks, get up at 5:30 am before my family, get my work done, blog, do my IG lives, meal prep, write out a “home school” schedule, clean out the garage, answer every DM sent my way. Because I feel guilty when I don’t answer an email or a DM. Because I built that persona that I do care. But if I answer one, it’s nor fair to not answer another. What if I can really help someone? What if it was a simple question? And to be clear no one expects this of me. I put this onus on myself. I believed I had the capacity to handle it ALL.
I was wrong. I stopped doing the #1 thing that is my job. Taking care of myself. Being a full time athlete, even without races on the schedule. I wasn’t doing my prehab consistently even though I told you guys to always get it in. I wasn’t sleeping 8-9 hours a night because I wanted to get a jump start on each day. So I hit a wall. I crashed physically but really emotionally. I was pissed at myself. I disappeared from social media for 10 days, not one click, not one message, nothing. And I don’t like to peace out like that. It’s not in my nature. I don’t like to hide or stay silent. But I had put out too much energy for others and stopping giving a shit about myself. I realized through it, I just needed to keep being me, sharing what I do, at my own pace. I didn’t want to admit any of this and it would have been very easy after my social hiatus, to come back and tell you things are just amazing over here. You wouldn’t know the difference of reality and what I post. But I will always strive for transparency over perfection. My transparent truth is I checked out on myself, and stopped taking all the advice that I dish out. I wish it were different. But I’m also grateful to have experienced this because now I’m striving again for that balance as a pro athlete, a mom, business owner, a wife, and a friend that is sustainable. That’s how I’ll continue to keep moving forward.
Steph Bruce
Dream Big