As I crossed the finished line, the disappointment of 6h place grabbed hold of me. Then I saw Aliphine had won, and Kellyn came racing in shortly after me. And we embraced and it was beautiful and satisfying. I then saw 2 faces, yelling “MOMMY.” I cried in the tent. With the mylar blanket wrapped around me and the boys enjoying their lollipop I wondered is that it? Is this the end of my quest? I had so many people in my corner, and Ben gave up and devoted so much time and energy over the last 3 months. We made a pact called Team Bruce, so mom could have the time and space to recover. But I felt failure on my end. I didn’t make the team. As other women walked by in the tent, some stopped and gave me hugs and offered words of encouragement. And for an instant I saw what they saw.
The more time that passes between Atlanta and now, the more I'm fired up. The day was damn near the closest to the best race I've ever run. And I was 6th. In the country. In the marathon. While under a microscope 6th place is just not good enough when it comes to the Olympic Trials, it tells me something. It tells me I did everything I could to prepare for the day. And if you know you gave it all but came up short, isn’t that what we strive for. It’s that what I want to show my boys.
It tells me I was right 10 years ago for having the audacity to think I could make an Olympic Team. For uprooting myself and moving away from Ben, to Flagstaff and trying again. You see I had plenty of reasons to tell me you don’t deserve this dream. You haven’t run times anywhere near what is needed to be a professional runner and even loftier an Olympian. Yet one reason stuck out and made the most noise in my head. WHY the f not? What’s the worst that can happen, you don’t make it? Turns out others were right and you’re not fast enough, good enough to compete for a living. Well in that case I’ll find another job, use my college degree, I’m still only 26.
It’s December 17th 2019 and the cold temps are creeping in. A beanie and gloves is a necessity for every run. On one particular blistery morning, we meet at Coach Ben’s house for a workout. He gives it to us straight. “Look everyone today is going to be shitty. It’s cold and very windy, and you’ll be into the wind for a good portion of the session. And it’s not just the weather forecasting we are brooding over it’s the workout. 16 x 400 @ 77 pace with 200m jog. 5 mins rest. 3 mile tempo on a hilly neighborhood loop to simulate Atlanta. And if you’re not tired yet, finish the tempo and run 8 x 30 seconds on, 45 seconds off. When I began this training cycle I knew 2 things. I knew I was going to have to work harder and take more risks than I ever had. Sometimes a risk means letting go of your teammates when the effort is far to great for you to feel like you can finish it off. Other times a risk is to shut off the doubtful voices in your head, and just fing go for it.
I held on to Kellyn and Aliphine in practice more than I ever had in the past. We worked extremely hard, we took turns, we pulled one another, we bonded. We formed a deep connection through blood, sweat, and tears. These ladies became my lifeline in this build up. I will cherish these 3 months together and know what an impact they had on my life and career. In late 2019 I sought a better version of myself, and I found her. Although I did not fulfill my dream of making the US Olympic Team, I showed myself I do belong here, doing this.
I didn't always. Truthfully my last 5 marathons were crap. To the outside viewer they might have appeared excellent. But to me, who knows what I'm capable of and the work I put in, I fell short. Every. Single. Time. Now it wasn't for lack of effort. Something in my body was just failing me. I'd be training hard and in the thick of my build up, flowing, workouts fatiguing my legs but callousing them as well. And then it would happen. Like the flip of a switch. I'd start tanking. I'd feel heavy legged, couldn't sleep, hitting my times was a huge grind. Not just one workout but all of them in the ensuing weeks. I'd get blood tested and my body was out of whack. There were so many levels that seemed to be messed up but I could never pinpoint which one. So I played a guessing game of what was the culprit. Was it my iron that dropped, my folate or b12. Was it because have the I MTFHR gene and my body doesn't convert Folate into usable energy so it just sits stagnant? Was I simply overtraining? It had to be stemming from the gut. The stress epicenter of the body. That made the most sense. Great, I had an answer. Or did I?
I drafted the email and opened with this: “Steph Bruce here! I know it's been a while since we last chatted. In a nutshell I have had some gut issues over the last 18 months that I believe are affecting my recovery and performance at times. With the Olympic Trials coming up in February I'm trying to cover all my bases and make sure I am fueling well and getting nourished. Not exactly sure what I'm asking for but wanted to get the conversation started. Hear from you soon!" I sent it to Lottie Bildrici and we put plans into motion. You see I had heard of Lottie back in 2016 when she helped Kara Goucher prepare for the marathon trials. Kara ran one of her best races and attributes so much to her work with Lottie. I was at a point where I was going to sink her swim. Something needed to change and starting with my gut and overhauling my approach to nutrition seemed like a move I could handle and control.
So Lottie came out to Flagstaff, once a month for 4 months. We started a food log. We looked at what I was eating, how my stomach handled it in training, how I was recovering. Lottie asked questions, she did research. She was patient with me and thought outside the box. Lottie, thank you. I logged what I felt like when I woke up each morning. We cut out unnecessary sugars and corn to reduce inflammation. We added more veggies and whole grains to all my meals. I felt stronger. We indulged my sweet tooth with desserts that were richer in nutrient dense calories. I was having breakthroughs in workouts. We tested gels and carbohydrate drinks during my long runs and workouts. It was messy at times, and I wanted to throw in the towel some mornings. But we forged ahead. We tweaked the timing of breakfast pre run. We made a plan, practiced it in training, and implemented it on race week. And it damn near worked. I showed up the best version of myself in the marathon on February 29th 2020. I was 19 seconds from making the Olympic Team.
And 12 years after I started. I am still here, still standing. And truly believe there's more to come.
Dream Big
Steph Bruce