Pull Up

As athletes we are often told to stay out of politics, stick to our lane, sports. My lane is humanity. For a long time, I struggled to find my voice amongst racism. I’m a white woman. My life is full of privilege. I have always known that. But I haven’t always known how to articulate it. Or what to do about it. Or how to do something greater than what I’m doing, which frankly is nothing. Brene Brown recently posted a quote from Ibram X. Kendi’s book: “I am not a racist but I am not aggressively against racism. That is an act of neutrality.” I didn’t realize that was me. For a long time.

I grew up in Greensboro, North Carolina amongst a higher population of black communities. That was normal to me. My best friend growing up, Ashley was black. I saw no difference in us. But I didn’t see how the world viewed her versus me. I see that now. Thanks to my sister in sport Alysia Montaño, who opened up my eyes through her work. And to my friend in sport Tianna Bartoletta who inspires and captures with her words and her strength.

“Learning is hard. Unlearning is harder. Pretending that most of us don’t need to do either when it comes to racism is its own form of violence.” - Brene Brown

I recently listened to one of Rihanna’s speeches and she asked, “Do you have friends of different races and religions?” Well, this isn’t their problem. This is our problem.” She says, “While we are marching, protesting, and posting tell your friends to pull up.”

It’s time for me to stop talking and listen. To the Black Women and Men who have been doing the work and are tired. Please take some time to follow and listen. Get educated. Support Black Owned businesses. I’m working on pulling up for my Black friends who have been fighting this for far too long.

Places to Donate

Minnesota Freedom Fund

Black Mamas Bail Out

Steph Bruce

The Mommy Blogger

If I could re-write the job description of a professional runner it would read as follows: make the Olympic team, win races, influence people to buy your shoes, share the journey, and give back to the people who give a crap about you. Many coaches and pro athletes might not see the point in sharing their training, their struggles and their triumphs. I guess I have never believed that if someone sees my times and paces they will have an advantage over me in a race. The reality is I’m either fit and ready or I’m not and sharing that won’t change the result. Some have also perceived sharing as bragging about your times and accomplishments. I never saw it like this. I see it as educating, entertaining, and motivating the running community that fills the stadiums, lines the streets cheering, and follows you through ups and downs.

And sure it’s scary to share at times because what if you fail in your goals, don’t live up to what you’ve been training for. Will people think you’re full of it, stop believing in you? Some maybe. But you’re not in it for those people. You’re in it for yourself and for the people who are moved by you. The people who are blown away by your times but enamored by your authenticity and vulnerability. Because they see you beyond a perfect lens, full of faults. And that shit is relatable. Just like the crap on my legs at mile 22 in the Chicago Marathon.

But where sharing does make an impact is on the fans, the ones filling the stadiums we race in, filling the streets we run down. The ones trying to relate in some tiny way. I receive emails and messages like many pros do but one recently resonated with me. It read: “thank you for sharing your journey. It has lifted the veil on elite athletes, (and this may sound dumb) I’ve found that I believe in my abilities more. I have had the bravery to take more risks, to let go of self-imposed expectations that contribute to a negative self image. I have found the joy, the passion, and the beauty in running again.” If I can make just one imprint on someone like this, I know it is all worth it.

A few years ago a post came up about me that I was just this “mommy blogger” pretending to be a pro runner with mediocre class times. Understandable. From 2013-2015 I was absent from the sport, pregnant with my 2 sons, and clawing my way back to post partum running. I could have stayed hidden. I could have not told you my first run 8 weeks post partum lasted 3 minutes and I just about had my uterus fall out. I could have not shared that my stomach was so separated, people asked me how far along I was at 12 weeks post partum? I could have kept quiet that I was embarrassed about my new body and thought it was failing me. That I wanted to pursue my athletic passions, but I was guilty for leaving home and pumping breast milk on my way to the workout. My workouts that never clicked, my race results that were lack luster. For 3 years. I wanted to throw in the towel. But I also wanted to prove I could come back from 2 babies and not have an asterisk next to my name “that’s a good result for being a mom.” I vowed during this time to leave a mark on the sport beyond my results. That started with blogging. And here we are 4 years later, and I’m still “mommy blogging.” And I’m also pushing my limits, and setting PRs at 36. I’m doing things I didn’t know possible, and I love sharing it. Because I can run 26.2 miles at 5:38 per mile. And I was 19 seconds away from making the US Olympic Team. And yes I’m getting older each year and sometimes the doubt creeps in, will my time be up in the sport soon? Maybe. But for now I’m still standing here, mommy blogging, and I still have a lot more to accomplish.”

Dream Big

Steph Bruce

Checking Out

We all strive to maintain a certain perception about ourselves. Some hold it close to their chest never wanting to reveal their true self. Others, like me pour it out there. I believe connection and being relatable is what humans crave. I’m no stranger to vulnerability and I typically share my truths, because I don’t know any other way. But what if that perception you want to portray doesn’t align with how you are feeling. You want to show up for people, be brave and confident, and appear to have your shit together. But you’re tired of showing up for people because you checked out on yourself?

That’s what happened to me 2 weeks ago. I was so concerned with how everyone else might be dealing with hardships, lack of resources, loss of motivation, loss of purpose that I believed I could provide some relief, in my own authentic way. So I hosted IG lives. EVERY NIGHT. I brought on some guests and let viewers join me to ask a question. I looked forward to 5 pm each day, where I’d pour a glass of white wine and talk with people. Because I could. Because I had the time. Because I had the energy. You see I tried to reinvent the wheel in the last few weeks. If races weren’t happening, and I couldn’t do my job in the traditional sense, compete, I’d find other ways to be useful as an athlete. Share my strength routines and youtube videos. Tell you how I stay motivated because I get to run for a living and that’s badass. And the truth is I genuinely loved doing it. I was full of motivation, and inspirational quotes, and ideas. I could still train, even though solo without my teammates, I was building fitness and momentum. But my kids were home, full time. And when I’m 100% training during the year in a season, my kids are at school and preschool. So I thought I could do everything. I could run 90-100 mile weeks, get up at 5:30 am before my family, get my work done, blog, do my IG lives, meal prep, write out a “home school” schedule, clean out the garage, answer every DM sent my way. Because I feel guilty when I don’t answer an email or a DM. Because I built that persona that I do care. But if I answer one, it’s nor fair to not answer another. What if I can really help someone? What if it was a simple question? And to be clear no one expects this of me. I put this onus on myself. I believed I had the capacity to handle it ALL.

I was wrong. I stopped doing the #1 thing that is my job. Taking care of myself. Being a full time athlete, even without races on the schedule. I wasn’t doing my prehab consistently even though I told you guys to always get it in. I wasn’t sleeping 8-9 hours a night because I wanted to get a jump start on each day. So I hit a wall. I crashed physically but really emotionally. I was pissed at myself. I disappeared from social media for 10 days, not one click, not one message, nothing. And I don’t like to peace out like that. It’s not in my nature. I don’t like to hide or stay silent. But I had put out too much energy for others and stopping giving a shit about myself. I realized through it, I just needed to keep being me, sharing what I do, at my own pace. I didn’t want to admit any of this and it would have been very easy after my social hiatus, to come back and tell you things are just amazing over here. You wouldn’t know the difference of reality and what I post. But I will always strive for transparency over perfection. My transparent truth is I checked out on myself, and stopped taking all the advice that I dish out. I wish it were different. But I’m also grateful to have experienced this because now I’m striving again for that balance as a pro athlete, a mom, business owner, a wife, and a friend that is sustainable. That’s how I’ll continue to keep moving forward.

Steph Bruce

Dream Big

Keep Pressing

Today I ran to the end of the world. Well just about. We have this forest service road called Woody Mountain. It is a popular spot for long runs. For camping, for off roading. At the end of this road, about 25 miles from the start, you find an opening. A breathtaking panoramic view of the red rocks of Sedona. Views like this aren’t easy to find. You have to work for them. You have to press on. And be in it for the long run.

In the early morning I enjoyed a fresh cup of coffee in my backyard, waiting my turn to go run. Ben woke up early to knock out his run so they could follow me along mine. When I left my house the temps were already heating up. The sky was clear and so was my mind. So I thought. I had 20 miles on the schedule. And last week I got a little taste of fitness so I welcomed this 20 miles on my schedule. You see I still have big goals and dreams. And although the timeline to achieve them has been altered, the fire in me is very much alive and burning brightly.

I’ll admit it though. There are moments I wonder “is it all worth it.” Is the pursuit of self excellence worth all the motivational tricks, and the pushing when no one is telling you to run harder. The time in the gym to do prehab and rehab. Proving the doubters wrong. Walking the line of fatigue and trying to stay ahead of the curve. Am I pursuing a worthy cause, amidst the need for my attention and energy in other areas of my life? Worthy is only something you believe it to be. So yes, this pursuit is worthy of my time and attention and effort.

And so these thoughts powered me through miles 4-12 of the long run. Because I needed some powering today. My legs were heavy, and didn’t respond each time I tried to press. Life’s not always gonna respond when we press. We press ourselves into launching a new business and sometimes it grows slowly. Painfully slow. We press ourselves to recover in the post partum years only to be sidelined with a jammed up hip, and sleep deprivation, and the constant comparison of our pre baby selves. We press ourselves going after PRs and sometimes it takes 7 years to see the fruits of our labor. Still we press on.

I’m in my 15th mile now. Ben and the boys just gave me fluids. I’m rejuvenated. I only have 5 miles left. But the dust from zooming cars is blowing in my face, and the undulating road is relentless and taking it’s toll on my legs. There’s no prescribed workout. No finish line medal. But there is an opportunity to press. To test myself. To see if I respond.

I think about my mom. Who I haven’t seen for 5 weeks. Who has late stage metastatic breast cancer. And I think about her double mastectomy and when I changed her dressings after surgery. I think about how she presses on, against all odds. Her positivity and healing efforts have gotten her this far. I wanna tear up a little but I’m in the middle of my gosh damn long run, so “keep your shit together Stephanie. “

I run my 19th mile in 5:56. It’s downhill but it still requires effort. And I remind myself: EFFORT.

This last week, my effort was high, but no results were yielded. I lost patience with my kids, I gave up trying to properly homeschool. But Ben suggested we keep them active, we try new things. And they seemed content and dare I say happy. At least happier than they had been. As for me I had the best hill session in my training to date. But I can’t translate it to anything tangible. Yet I know the next opportunity I have to race, I will remember I’ve been practicing pressing. So when I’m 17 miles into my next New York City Marathon I’ll press and maybe my body responds. When I hit 800m to go in the Olympic Trials 10,000 I’ll draw my mind back to the hill session where I pressed, when nothing was on the line.

I hit my 20th mile with a nasty last half mile uphill climb. My boys are waiting. We drive to the end of the road, the “end of the world.” Ben has prepared a picnic for the boys, packed my NormaTec boots and a lounge chair. After working for 2 hours, 18 mins the view is everything. It’s not just a backdrop of the Sedona Red Rocks. It’s of my family. And it’s perfection.

I used to think you couldn’t have both. You couldn’t hold space for two truths. Your passion/job and your family. When I became a mom a little part of my confidence faded away. I wondered if I could still set bold goals and have the guts to chase them. Most of the time I’m still figuring out how to balance time, guilt, and space. My life isn’t the same as some other pros and sometimes I feel out of place. But I do know for 2-3 hours of everyday I allow myself to feel like a badass training. Like I’m unstoppable. Like I’ll throw down in the moments I need to. And as I think about the coming days, and months of what I’m trying to achieve, I remind myself, you have to channel that badassery and keep pressing because eventually you’ll respond.

Dream Big

Steph Bruce